From the time I was very little, five maybe(?), until I was sixteen, I was quite heavy. Not obese, but certainly bigger than most other girls my age. My family would always tell me how pretty I was, but there would always be the add-on of "you're just a big girl". I know they meant no harm in their statements, but it was those words which made it easy to accept anything negative that would be said about me in the future. When I got older and started interacting with other kids my age my self esteem really took a plunge. I wasn't the most socially adaptive individual to begin with and my weight just seemed to add to the problem. People would give me a hard time; boys made it clear they found me unattractive. I never made a big deal out of it to anyone else, but the comments of other's had an extremely negative impact on the way I viewed myself. While I knew I was somewhat intelligent and had no problem making friends, I was never able to convince myself that those qualities were enough. And to be honest, I still don't think they were.
I look back on myself during that time and think, "Hey, you were lazy and you didn't take care of yourself. You could have been doing a lot better! You shouldn't have been surprised that people gave you a hard time." I came to this realization new years eve of 2002. Two years after I had started to show signs of bulimia, six months after I had thought I was going to die due to the heart palpitations that the purging was causing. That last night, the night I thought I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I made a deal with God. I promised him that I was done. I would never purge again if I could just wake up the next morning and start another day. I didn't believe I was going to get that chance. My heart felt like it was going to bust out of my chest; I remember thinking "Maybe it would be better if I just went in my sleep instead of actually feeling the pain during the day. Maybe it would be easier on my family if they just found me in my bed the next morning instead of witnessing my heart attack in person." But that wasn't what I wanted. I woke up the next morning and I kept my promise; I haven't purged since.
Not that I didn't struggle with other eating issues. After I stopped purging I just completely gave up for a while. I decided losing weight was hopeless, I didn't know how and I had finally realized that it was better to be alive and fat than dead and chubby. I was incredibly depressed. I hadn't been attending school due to migraines that I believe were caused by my immense unhappiness. I felt I had no control over the course of my life and I had very little hope for my future. It took about eight months of almost complete social isolation for me to decide that I could do better. At the beginning of 2003 I decided to start doing things differently. I realized that I wasn't happy and I might as well try doing something different for a while and see if that helped. I decided to stop eating meat; I also decided that I was going to start eating healthier overall. By September I was 30 lbs lighter, which was enough for me to stat looking somewhat skinny. I went back to school and I started dating for the first time ever. Things seemed to be going ok on the outside, but on the inside there was still a problem.
I wasn't eating. The first 30 lbs were ok; I was eating healthily and regularly. But then the weight became a way to measure my happiness. Everyone was treating me so much better since I had lost the weight, and I knew that if I could just keep loosing that I would remain happy. Eventually some of my friends started to ask questions, but it wouldn't deter me. Soon I became involved in a new relationship, one that was characterized by extreme emotional and eventually physical abuse. I was told so many absurd things about myself during that relationship, when I look back now it's hard to comprehend how I could have fallen for it. Not only was I criticized about my weight (which ironically for the first time was actually much lower than it should have been), but also for my overall looks, my intellect, and my personality. Never before had I felt my intelligence or personality was a problem, but I was sure that my boyfriend loved me and only wanted to help me become a better person. From then on, I was made aware of ALL of my flaws.
After the end of that relationship, things started to improve for me. I graduated high school and started to understand that a lot of people in my life really didn't give a damn about me. As odd as it sounds, that was the best thing that ever happen to me. When I finally figured out that many people didn't have my best interests in mind I was able to start weeding out the crap that surrounded me. I lost almost all of my high school friends, and I didn't care. Just as they didn't care about me. These were the people that knew what happened in my past relationship, and when it was over chose to be friends with my ex. It was an incredible feeling when I realized that I was happier with no friends or boyfriend than I had been when I had it all. I had nothing, but I felt the best I ever had in my life.
Since then I've been doing pretty well. I've been eating regularly again and have gained weight. While I'm not skinny anymore, I'm not heavy like I used to be either. I've gained back the confidence I use to have in my intelligence and personality and am at least accepting of my weight and looks. I'm currently in the relationship that I've always wanted, with a boyfriend that respects me and never makes me feel bad about my weight, looks, personality, or even my occasionally smelly feet. So why then, after everything that I've been through, do other people's opinions about my looks and weight still bother me? The fact is, I'm always going to think that I'm too heavy, that my chins too prominent, that my nose is too big. Just as I've never thought of my self as pretty, I'll also never claim to be. I guess it's that fact that really confuses me; when I already think I'm not very pretty, why do people feel the need to go out of their way to let me know they agree? Why do these people care if I'm pretty or not?
Anyone who knows me understands I'm somewhat of an elitist. I see no reason why a person shouldn't have something of interest to discuss. If I meet someone who names their purse, I'm probably going to laugh about them with my boyfriend afterwards if not exchange glances during said meeting. But when it comes to looks, I thought it was pretty obvious that I really don't care. I also thought it was pretty clear that looks is an area I'm not personally confident about. If not, here you go. I'm insecure about my looks and what other people think of them. I would have no problem telling my boyfriend's ex girlfriends that they're prettier than me, because I honestly believe that they are. They're skinnier, they have better hair, and they don't have big noses and chins. I wish I was all those things, but I'm not and I've come to terms with that. So please stop telling me, as if I'm blissfully unaware of my shortcomings. I'm ok with the idea that I may have to rely on my personality more than girls that are naturally beautiful. I don't feel sorry for myself about it anymore. I don't need, nor do I want, anyone giving me their opinions on my looks. Whether they be negative or positive, all it will do is put me back in that place. That place of self hatred that nearly consumed my life, and really, all I want to do is move past that.
While it probably seems that I'm on the edge here, I can honestly say that I'm ok. While I may think that my boyfriend's ex girlfriends are prettier than me, I know there's a reason he's with me instead of them. I know I'm a good person, a good girlfriend, and that I have something to offer. I have something that they didn't have, and apparently that's enough to make up for what I may be lacking in other areas. So to those of you that I'm talking about, the next time you want to call my boyfriend and set up a meeting, or stalk me at the mall all in an effort to let it be known how much prettier you are, know this... I already agree. So why waste your time? However, if you'd like to discuss who's a better girlfriend or who's just more enjoyable to be around, give me a call. I'm sure you won't have any problem finding my number.
I look back on myself during that time and think, "Hey, you were lazy and you didn't take care of yourself. You could have been doing a lot better! You shouldn't have been surprised that people gave you a hard time." I came to this realization new years eve of 2002. Two years after I had started to show signs of bulimia, six months after I had thought I was going to die due to the heart palpitations that the purging was causing. That last night, the night I thought I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I made a deal with God. I promised him that I was done. I would never purge again if I could just wake up the next morning and start another day. I didn't believe I was going to get that chance. My heart felt like it was going to bust out of my chest; I remember thinking "Maybe it would be better if I just went in my sleep instead of actually feeling the pain during the day. Maybe it would be easier on my family if they just found me in my bed the next morning instead of witnessing my heart attack in person." But that wasn't what I wanted. I woke up the next morning and I kept my promise; I haven't purged since.
Not that I didn't struggle with other eating issues. After I stopped purging I just completely gave up for a while. I decided losing weight was hopeless, I didn't know how and I had finally realized that it was better to be alive and fat than dead and chubby. I was incredibly depressed. I hadn't been attending school due to migraines that I believe were caused by my immense unhappiness. I felt I had no control over the course of my life and I had very little hope for my future. It took about eight months of almost complete social isolation for me to decide that I could do better. At the beginning of 2003 I decided to start doing things differently. I realized that I wasn't happy and I might as well try doing something different for a while and see if that helped. I decided to stop eating meat; I also decided that I was going to start eating healthier overall. By September I was 30 lbs lighter, which was enough for me to stat looking somewhat skinny. I went back to school and I started dating for the first time ever. Things seemed to be going ok on the outside, but on the inside there was still a problem.
I wasn't eating. The first 30 lbs were ok; I was eating healthily and regularly. But then the weight became a way to measure my happiness. Everyone was treating me so much better since I had lost the weight, and I knew that if I could just keep loosing that I would remain happy. Eventually some of my friends started to ask questions, but it wouldn't deter me. Soon I became involved in a new relationship, one that was characterized by extreme emotional and eventually physical abuse. I was told so many absurd things about myself during that relationship, when I look back now it's hard to comprehend how I could have fallen for it. Not only was I criticized about my weight (which ironically for the first time was actually much lower than it should have been), but also for my overall looks, my intellect, and my personality. Never before had I felt my intelligence or personality was a problem, but I was sure that my boyfriend loved me and only wanted to help me become a better person. From then on, I was made aware of ALL of my flaws.
After the end of that relationship, things started to improve for me. I graduated high school and started to understand that a lot of people in my life really didn't give a damn about me. As odd as it sounds, that was the best thing that ever happen to me. When I finally figured out that many people didn't have my best interests in mind I was able to start weeding out the crap that surrounded me. I lost almost all of my high school friends, and I didn't care. Just as they didn't care about me. These were the people that knew what happened in my past relationship, and when it was over chose to be friends with my ex. It was an incredible feeling when I realized that I was happier with no friends or boyfriend than I had been when I had it all. I had nothing, but I felt the best I ever had in my life.
Since then I've been doing pretty well. I've been eating regularly again and have gained weight. While I'm not skinny anymore, I'm not heavy like I used to be either. I've gained back the confidence I use to have in my intelligence and personality and am at least accepting of my weight and looks. I'm currently in the relationship that I've always wanted, with a boyfriend that respects me and never makes me feel bad about my weight, looks, personality, or even my occasionally smelly feet. So why then, after everything that I've been through, do other people's opinions about my looks and weight still bother me? The fact is, I'm always going to think that I'm too heavy, that my chins too prominent, that my nose is too big. Just as I've never thought of my self as pretty, I'll also never claim to be. I guess it's that fact that really confuses me; when I already think I'm not very pretty, why do people feel the need to go out of their way to let me know they agree? Why do these people care if I'm pretty or not?
Anyone who knows me understands I'm somewhat of an elitist. I see no reason why a person shouldn't have something of interest to discuss. If I meet someone who names their purse, I'm probably going to laugh about them with my boyfriend afterwards if not exchange glances during said meeting. But when it comes to looks, I thought it was pretty obvious that I really don't care. I also thought it was pretty clear that looks is an area I'm not personally confident about. If not, here you go. I'm insecure about my looks and what other people think of them. I would have no problem telling my boyfriend's ex girlfriends that they're prettier than me, because I honestly believe that they are. They're skinnier, they have better hair, and they don't have big noses and chins. I wish I was all those things, but I'm not and I've come to terms with that. So please stop telling me, as if I'm blissfully unaware of my shortcomings. I'm ok with the idea that I may have to rely on my personality more than girls that are naturally beautiful. I don't feel sorry for myself about it anymore. I don't need, nor do I want, anyone giving me their opinions on my looks. Whether they be negative or positive, all it will do is put me back in that place. That place of self hatred that nearly consumed my life, and really, all I want to do is move past that.
While it probably seems that I'm on the edge here, I can honestly say that I'm ok. While I may think that my boyfriend's ex girlfriends are prettier than me, I know there's a reason he's with me instead of them. I know I'm a good person, a good girlfriend, and that I have something to offer. I have something that they didn't have, and apparently that's enough to make up for what I may be lacking in other areas. So to those of you that I'm talking about, the next time you want to call my boyfriend and set up a meeting, or stalk me at the mall all in an effort to let it be known how much prettier you are, know this... I already agree. So why waste your time? However, if you'd like to discuss who's a better girlfriend or who's just more enjoyable to be around, give me a call. I'm sure you won't have any problem finding my number.
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