Past and Current Guilt

I've always thought of myself as a fairly trustworthy girl. I'm the girl that would tell her teacher that she lost her homework on the bus and actually be believed; I'm the girl that never lied to my parents about where I was going. I'm also the girl that has been trusted by all of her boyfriends, deservedly or not.

Not a lot of people know this, but I met E while I was in another relationship. From the instant I met him I realized there was something pulling us together. Every time we came in contact I could almost feel the electricity pulsing between us. More than anything I wanted him to kiss me, to tell me he felt as desperately for me as I did for him. However, I couldn't allow this to happen. As I said, I was still in another relationship. A year and a half relationship with a man who was very kind to me, cared for me greatly, and that I respected a lot. There was absolutely nothing bad I could say about the relationship, except I wasn't with E.

Although I felt a connection to E the first time I met him, it took me seven months to come to terms with it. I felt like a terrible person. There I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to marry me, start a family with me, yet all I could think about was this man I barely knew. Thinking about what I wanted to do with him, what we would talk about, how we would feel together. I realized early on that I wouldn't be able to resist sexual advances E might make toward me, and that I'd have to be diligent in my efforts to avoid him in order to remain faithful. And I was, to a certain extent. For seven months I spent my work hours listening for the sounds of E's keys, being the furthest associate from the phone, and refusing to be involved with the loss prevention office (where E worked). I did everything I could to avoid any sort of physical connection with E. Unfortunatley, that didn't prevent me from connecting with him in other ways...

Though I made every attempt to prevent any physical cheating, I had a harder time shutting myself off emotionally. When E was able to track me down we always had the most amazing conversations. Not because they were about anything important or intellectual, it was the simple fact that he got me. He was able to keep up with my weird, quirky, occasionally inane conversations, a feat very few people were interested in taking on. Conversations with E were what I imagined sex would be like. Two people that really got each other, and knew how to push each other's buttons just right...

It eventually became too much. Around the six month mark I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts off of E. I started feeling the need to talk about him with my friends, and my relationship with my then boyfriend started to become harder to justify. I had never had the connection with him that I felt with E, but it was never a problem until I realized what I'd been missing. I knew it was unfair. My boyfriend could obviously tell that I had feelings for E, though I'd never admit it, and I could tell I was making him feel like a second choice. We began arguing more frequently about stupid things. Finally we broke up. It happened during a fight regarding our living situation; we were arguing about whether it was ok for him to move out of our apartment. All I could think about was how hard our relationship had become, and how easy it was to talk to E. I guess I just snapped. I told my boyfriend I was done, that we'd be better off without each other.

E and I started dating about three weeks after I ended that two year relationship. Though everything has been good since then, I wish I could change one thing... I wish the beginning of our relationship wasn't marred by what has ultimately become the most shameful period of my life. The seven months period where I was dating one man, but desperately in love with another. The seven months where I had to constantly remind myself that it wasn't ok to be physical with the man I loved, because he wasn't the man that I was dating. Really, I just want those memories to go away. I just want to be able to believe people when they tell me how nice, considerate, and trustworthy I am. Most of all, I want to believe myself when I say what happened to me and my ex could never happen to me and E.