What Shall Be Done About Change?

People in their twenties are use to change. We’re graduating college, getting our first professional jobs, moving to new cities/states/countries, reevaluating our goals and beliefs, and dealing with whatever other changes we must endure in order to graduate from our previous childhood lives to the adult world. Although these changes are necessary, they can do serious damage to our preexisting relationships. What happens when the changes in our lives are not met with encouragement by those nearest and dearest to us?

I started thinking about this last night after a conversation with E, in which we discussed our plans to move to Lexington next May. While I’m not necessarily excited to be moving for the third time in a year and a half, I know it’s what we must do to help E realize his goals, just as he knew our last two moves were necessary to help me realize mine. As we talked of our plans I thought about how lucky I am to be in a relationship with someone who is growing at the same rate as me and can therefore understand and support me in my decisions, and vice versa. I also thought about how rare this can be for people our age, something I know about from experience.

As I’ve said before, I met E while I was in another relationship. The ex was nothing like E. He and I met right after I turned eighteen, and he had turned twenty-one. I was right on the edge of beginning my adult life and had no idea how much I was about to change. We were good for each other in the beginning. Then I started growing up and changing. Predictably, my ex seemed to stay the same. And of course, not only did he stay the same, but he wanted me to stay the same as well. Instead of taking opportunities to further my education and plans for a career, he wanted me to stay in our hometown, get married, and start having kids (at eighteen). He was afraid that if given the chance to find something new and better, I would.

And he was right. Sort of.

The more my ex fretted about loosing me, the more compelled I felt to get out there and see what he was talking about. What I found was E. Someone who was moving along the same life track as me. Someone going to school, who wanted a career, wanted a committed relationship, and wasn't afraid of change.

The lack of my ex's openness to change is ultimately what ruined our relationship. I also believe it is one of the biggest issues many twenty-something couples must face.

While we twenty-something are all officially adults and more than capable of having loving and supportive relationships, it's important to remember that our choice in partners during this time might be more crucial than ever. Yes, we're all changing. But that doesn't mean we're all changing at the same rate, or in the same way as our partners. Thus, to maintain our relationship we need to be sure that our partners will be encouraging of our growth, and that we in turn are in encouraging of theirs.

This can be scary. Personally, I often struggle with the fear that my boyfriend and I will grow apart as we continue to change. Will he meet someone at work that he has more in common with? Will I? Will we both still want the same things in a few years? I'm lucky enough to have met someone that seems to be growing at the same rate and in the same direction that I am. When we want different things we've been able to form a plan that works for both of us.

This doesn't happen for everyone or in every relationship.

And that's one of the things that sucks about being in your twenties. The people we click with one year, we may not click with the next. There are so many ways in which we can grow apart: they could move, we could change too much for their tastes, they may change too much for ours... This is true not only of our romantic relationships, but of our friendships as well.

So what should we do if we find ourselves in a cycle of relationships that seem to just grow apart? Refuse to engage in any further personal contact until we have reached our thirties and are (hopefully) more settled and secure in our lives/beliefs? While that may seem logical, it also sounds a bit lonely. I suppose for now I'll grasp to the fact that a majority of people still end up marrying during their twenties. That means something, right? The finer details involving divorce rates can be saved for another, less insecure time...