Have you noticed the week before vacation seems to go on forever? That's exactly what's happening to me right now.
My sublease in Iowa ends this month, so I need to make sure the place is cleaned from top to bottom before management comes in to asses for damages. Although this task should only take a few hours, E and I have managed to turn it into a week long vacation. We are officially the king and queen of senseless justifications! Senselessness aside, our main purpose for extending our stay was to spend some much needed time with our friends and families. I've been pretty homesick lately and I think E is missing his friends more than he cares to admit. I knew it was time to get him home when he actually expressed concern over one of his friends Facebook entries. Really? This coming from the man who hasn't called his best friend once since we've been dating, because it would seem like he "cared too much"? Guys are weird...
Exact plans for Iowa? I have a vague list of things I hope to do: attend my brother's 19th birthday party, hangout with my family, celebrate my best friends 22nd birthday, meet E's half sister, spend time with my friend Lydia, and just relax. I'm really excited to spend time with E's family, especially since it will be his dad's side. I've only met his dad once, but he seems great. I can actually see myself marrying into E's family, something I couldn't say about any of my previous boyfriend's families.
Besides being the week before vacation, this week is long for another reason. I refer to it as the monthly Week of Deprivation. Honestly, I waited twenty years to have sex. I think that was long enough! Why should I also have to abstain from sex 25% of the month, every month? Ugh! It doesn't help that E seems to look especially good during the third week of every month.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Perfection
Two of my all time favorite things...
Sunday mornings with E and Adin
And the inspiration for this blog
Combine to create the perfect day.
Sunday mornings with E and Adin
And the inspiration for this blog
Combine to create the perfect day.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Past and Current Guilt
I've always thought of myself as a fairly trustworthy girl. I'm the girl that would tell her teacher that she lost her homework on the bus and actually be believed; I'm the girl that never lied to my parents about where I was going. I'm also the girl that has been trusted by all of her boyfriends, deservedly or not.
Not a lot of people know this, but I met E while I was in another relationship. From the instant I met him I realized there was something pulling us together. Every time we came in contact I could almost feel the electricity pulsing between us. More than anything I wanted him to kiss me, to tell me he felt as desperately for me as I did for him. However, I couldn't allow this to happen. As I said, I was still in another relationship. A year and a half relationship with a man who was very kind to me, cared for me greatly, and that I respected a lot. There was absolutely nothing bad I could say about the relationship, except I wasn't with E.
Although I felt a connection to E the first time I met him, it took me seven months to come to terms with it. I felt like a terrible person. There I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to marry me, start a family with me, yet all I could think about was this man I barely knew. Thinking about what I wanted to do with him, what we would talk about, how we would feel together. I realized early on that I wouldn't be able to resist sexual advances E might make toward me, and that I'd have to be diligent in my efforts to avoid him in order to remain faithful. And I was, to a certain extent. For seven months I spent my work hours listening for the sounds of E's keys, being the furthest associate from the phone, and refusing to be involved with the loss prevention office (where E worked). I did everything I could to avoid any sort of physical connection with E. Unfortunatley, that didn't prevent me from connecting with him in other ways...
Though I made every attempt to prevent any physical cheating, I had a harder time shutting myself off emotionally. When E was able to track me down we always had the most amazing conversations. Not because they were about anything important or intellectual, it was the simple fact that he got me. He was able to keep up with my weird, quirky, occasionally inane conversations, a feat very few people were interested in taking on. Conversations with E were what I imagined sex would be like. Two people that really got each other, and knew how to push each other's buttons just right...
It eventually became too much. Around the six month mark I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts off of E. I started feeling the need to talk about him with my friends, and my relationship with my then boyfriend started to become harder to justify. I had never had the connection with him that I felt with E, but it was never a problem until I realized what I'd been missing. I knew it was unfair. My boyfriend could obviously tell that I had feelings for E, though I'd never admit it, and I could tell I was making him feel like a second choice. We began arguing more frequently about stupid things. Finally we broke up. It happened during a fight regarding our living situation; we were arguing about whether it was ok for him to move out of our apartment. All I could think about was how hard our relationship had become, and how easy it was to talk to E. I guess I just snapped. I told my boyfriend I was done, that we'd be better off without each other.
E and I started dating about three weeks after I ended that two year relationship. Though everything has been good since then, I wish I could change one thing... I wish the beginning of our relationship wasn't marred by what has ultimately become the most shameful period of my life. The seven months period where I was dating one man, but desperately in love with another. The seven months where I had to constantly remind myself that it wasn't ok to be physical with the man I loved, because he wasn't the man that I was dating. Really, I just want those memories to go away. I just want to be able to believe people when they tell me how nice, considerate, and trustworthy I am. Most of all, I want to believe myself when I say what happened to me and my ex could never happen to me and E.
Not a lot of people know this, but I met E while I was in another relationship. From the instant I met him I realized there was something pulling us together. Every time we came in contact I could almost feel the electricity pulsing between us. More than anything I wanted him to kiss me, to tell me he felt as desperately for me as I did for him. However, I couldn't allow this to happen. As I said, I was still in another relationship. A year and a half relationship with a man who was very kind to me, cared for me greatly, and that I respected a lot. There was absolutely nothing bad I could say about the relationship, except I wasn't with E.
Although I felt a connection to E the first time I met him, it took me seven months to come to terms with it. I felt like a terrible person. There I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to marry me, start a family with me, yet all I could think about was this man I barely knew. Thinking about what I wanted to do with him, what we would talk about, how we would feel together. I realized early on that I wouldn't be able to resist sexual advances E might make toward me, and that I'd have to be diligent in my efforts to avoid him in order to remain faithful. And I was, to a certain extent. For seven months I spent my work hours listening for the sounds of E's keys, being the furthest associate from the phone, and refusing to be involved with the loss prevention office (where E worked). I did everything I could to avoid any sort of physical connection with E. Unfortunatley, that didn't prevent me from connecting with him in other ways...
Though I made every attempt to prevent any physical cheating, I had a harder time shutting myself off emotionally. When E was able to track me down we always had the most amazing conversations. Not because they were about anything important or intellectual, it was the simple fact that he got me. He was able to keep up with my weird, quirky, occasionally inane conversations, a feat very few people were interested in taking on. Conversations with E were what I imagined sex would be like. Two people that really got each other, and knew how to push each other's buttons just right...
It eventually became too much. Around the six month mark I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts off of E. I started feeling the need to talk about him with my friends, and my relationship with my then boyfriend started to become harder to justify. I had never had the connection with him that I felt with E, but it was never a problem until I realized what I'd been missing. I knew it was unfair. My boyfriend could obviously tell that I had feelings for E, though I'd never admit it, and I could tell I was making him feel like a second choice. We began arguing more frequently about stupid things. Finally we broke up. It happened during a fight regarding our living situation; we were arguing about whether it was ok for him to move out of our apartment. All I could think about was how hard our relationship had become, and how easy it was to talk to E. I guess I just snapped. I told my boyfriend I was done, that we'd be better off without each other.
E and I started dating about three weeks after I ended that two year relationship. Though everything has been good since then, I wish I could change one thing... I wish the beginning of our relationship wasn't marred by what has ultimately become the most shameful period of my life. The seven months period where I was dating one man, but desperately in love with another. The seven months where I had to constantly remind myself that it wasn't ok to be physical with the man I loved, because he wasn't the man that I was dating. Really, I just want those memories to go away. I just want to be able to believe people when they tell me how nice, considerate, and trustworthy I am. Most of all, I want to believe myself when I say what happened to me and my ex could never happen to me and E.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Important Ones
I always need a visual to really get what people are talking about, so here you go...
This is a picture of my boyfriend E and me at Halloween this past year. He apparently had no idea how into the holiday I get and was planning to attend my friends party wearing his everyday clothes. When he saw me in my full on Columbia from Rocky Horror getup he succumbed to pressure and went as a 30's mobster.
The boyfriend and I met at work about two years ago. I was dating someone else at the time, but it was obvious to me that he was meant to be in my life somehow. After my previous relationship ended the two of us started dating and have been together ever since. He's even moved with me, twice, in the past six months. With all the craziness that has surrounded us during our short relationship I wouldn't have thought we would still be going strong; I truly believe that this is my one great love.
This is my cat Adin Nia, Adin for short. She's been with me since I first moved out on my own about two years ago. When my mom first came to the realization that I was really going to be moving she went with me to the animal shelter and we adopted both Adin and her twin sister Mystic.
Adin's been a great companion for me. She's crabby and mean, which is exactly the type of cat I love. But she's also a cuddler and always protects me from people. When the boyfriend first started staying the night at my apartment Adin would always dip her cloth balls into her water dish and conveniently misplace them in his boots. Since he and I have moved in together Adin has taken to placing one of the wet balls on his side of the bed whenever he and I have an argument, just so he knows who he's dealing with...
My family at my younger brother's graduation last May. My family and I are pretty close, even after my move away from my home state six months ago. We talk on the phone pretty often, and since my mom has family out here my parents come to visit a lot. I'll be going home to see them here at the end of July...
And finally... A picture of me and my two oldest
friends. I've known Heidi, the one in the middle, since we were in preschool and she has been my bestfriend since we were in first.
Brit, the one on the left became friends with Heidi in kindergarten, and when I became friends with Heidi in first I also gained another friend. We've all been friends the entire time growing up, and even though I've moved away from home I still keep in touch with Heidi regularly. She's living in our home town and is able to keep me up to date with Brit who has just had her first daughter. I wish I could be around to see them more, but I'll take what I can get for the time being.
So those are the people that I talk about most often. Just thought it would be good to put faces with names.
This is a picture of my boyfriend E and me at Halloween this past year. He apparently had no idea how into the holiday I get and was planning to attend my friends party wearing his everyday clothes. When he saw me in my full on Columbia from Rocky Horror getup he succumbed to pressure and went as a 30's mobster.The boyfriend and I met at work about two years ago. I was dating someone else at the time, but it was obvious to me that he was meant to be in my life somehow. After my previous relationship ended the two of us started dating and have been together ever since. He's even moved with me, twice, in the past six months. With all the craziness that has surrounded us during our short relationship I wouldn't have thought we would still be going strong; I truly believe that this is my one great love.
This is my cat Adin Nia, Adin for short. She's been with me since I first moved out on my own about two years ago. When my mom first came to the realization that I was really going to be moving she went with me to the animal shelter and we adopted both Adin and her twin sister Mystic.
Adin's been a great companion for me. She's crabby and mean, which is exactly the type of cat I love. But she's also a cuddler and always protects me from people. When the boyfriend first started staying the night at my apartment Adin would always dip her cloth balls into her water dish and conveniently misplace them in his boots. Since he and I have moved in together Adin has taken to placing one of the wet balls on his side of the bed whenever he and I have an argument, just so he knows who he's dealing with...
My family at my younger brother's graduation last May. My family and I are pretty close, even after my move away from my home state six months ago. We talk on the phone pretty often, and since my mom has family out here my parents come to visit a lot. I'll be going home to see them here at the end of July...
And finally... A picture of me and my two oldest
friends. I've known Heidi, the one in the middle, since we were in preschool and she has been my bestfriend since we were in first.
Brit, the one on the left became friends with Heidi in kindergarten, and when I became friends with Heidi in first I also gained another friend. We've all been friends the entire time growing up, and even though I've moved away from home I still keep in touch with Heidi regularly. She's living in our home town and is able to keep me up to date with Brit who has just had her first daughter. I wish I could be around to see them more, but I'll take what I can get for the time being.
So those are the people that I talk about most often. Just thought it would be good to put faces with names.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
My New York Salute to Those Who Deserve It
I've always been somewhat insecure. Insecure about my weight, my overall looks, and about other people's ability to look past all the flaws that I see in myself. It's never been something that has completely stopped me from living my life like it has for some girls, but it's definitely played a part in some of the more negative aspects of my past.
From the time I was very little, five maybe(?), until I was sixteen, I was quite heavy. Not obese, but certainly bigger than most other girls my age. My family would always tell me how pretty I was, but there would always be the add-on of "you're just a big girl". I know they meant no harm in their statements, but it was those words which made it easy to accept anything negative that would be said about me in the future. When I got older and started interacting with other kids my age my self esteem really took a plunge. I wasn't the most socially adaptive individual to begin with and my weight just seemed to add to the problem. People would give me a hard time; boys made it clear they found me unattractive. I never made a big deal out of it to anyone else, but the comments of other's had an extremely negative impact on the way I viewed myself. While I knew I was somewhat intelligent and had no problem making friends, I was never able to convince myself that those qualities were enough. And to be honest, I still don't think they were.
I look back on myself during that time and think, "Hey, you were lazy and you didn't take care of yourself. You could have been doing a lot better! You shouldn't have been surprised that people gave you a hard time." I came to this realization new years eve of 2002. Two years after I had started to show signs of bulimia, six months after I had thought I was going to die due to the heart palpitations that the purging was causing. That last night, the night I thought I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I made a deal with God. I promised him that I was done. I would never purge again if I could just wake up the next morning and start another day. I didn't believe I was going to get that chance. My heart felt like it was going to bust out of my chest; I remember thinking "Maybe it would be better if I just went in my sleep instead of actually feeling the pain during the day. Maybe it would be easier on my family if they just found me in my bed the next morning instead of witnessing my heart attack in person." But that wasn't what I wanted. I woke up the next morning and I kept my promise; I haven't purged since.
Not that I didn't struggle with other eating issues. After I stopped purging I just completely gave up for a while. I decided losing weight was hopeless, I didn't know how and I had finally realized that it was better to be alive and fat than dead and chubby. I was incredibly depressed. I hadn't been attending school due to migraines that I believe were caused by my immense unhappiness. I felt I had no control over the course of my life and I had very little hope for my future. It took about eight months of almost complete social isolation for me to decide that I could do better. At the beginning of 2003 I decided to start doing things differently. I realized that I wasn't happy and I might as well try doing something different for a while and see if that helped. I decided to stop eating meat; I also decided that I was going to start eating healthier overall. By September I was 30 lbs lighter, which was enough for me to stat looking somewhat skinny. I went back to school and I started dating for the first time ever. Things seemed to be going ok on the outside, but on the inside there was still a problem.
I wasn't eating. The first 30 lbs were ok; I was eating healthily and regularly. But then the weight became a way to measure my happiness. Everyone was treating me so much better since I had lost the weight, and I knew that if I could just keep loosing that I would remain happy. Eventually some of my friends started to ask questions, but it wouldn't deter me. Soon I became involved in a new relationship, one that was characterized by extreme emotional and eventually physical abuse. I was told so many absurd things about myself during that relationship, when I look back now it's hard to comprehend how I could have fallen for it. Not only was I criticized about my weight (which ironically for the first time was actually much lower than it should have been), but also for my overall looks, my intellect, and my personality. Never before had I felt my intelligence or personality was a problem, but I was sure that my boyfriend loved me and only wanted to help me become a better person. From then on, I was made aware of ALL of my flaws.
After the end of that relationship, things started to improve for me. I graduated high school and started to understand that a lot of people in my life really didn't give a damn about me. As odd as it sounds, that was the best thing that ever happen to me. When I finally figured out that many people didn't have my best interests in mind I was able to start weeding out the crap that surrounded me. I lost almost all of my high school friends, and I didn't care. Just as they didn't care about me. These were the people that knew what happened in my past relationship, and when it was over chose to be friends with my ex. It was an incredible feeling when I realized that I was happier with no friends or boyfriend than I had been when I had it all. I had nothing, but I felt the best I ever had in my life.
Since then I've been doing pretty well. I've been eating regularly again and have gained weight. While I'm not skinny anymore, I'm not heavy like I used to be either. I've gained back the confidence I use to have in my intelligence and personality and am at least accepting of my weight and looks. I'm currently in the relationship that I've always wanted, with a boyfriend that respects me and never makes me feel bad about my weight, looks, personality, or even my occasionally smelly feet. So why then, after everything that I've been through, do other people's opinions about my looks and weight still bother me? The fact is, I'm always going to think that I'm too heavy, that my chins too prominent, that my nose is too big. Just as I've never thought of my self as pretty, I'll also never claim to be. I guess it's that fact that really confuses me; when I already think I'm not very pretty, why do people feel the need to go out of their way to let me know they agree? Why do these people care if I'm pretty or not?
Anyone who knows me understands I'm somewhat of an elitist. I see no reason why a person shouldn't have something of interest to discuss. If I meet someone who names their purse, I'm probably going to laugh about them with my boyfriend afterwards if not exchange glances during said meeting. But when it comes to looks, I thought it was pretty obvious that I really don't care. I also thought it was pretty clear that looks is an area I'm not personally confident about. If not, here you go. I'm insecure about my looks and what other people think of them. I would have no problem telling my boyfriend's ex girlfriends that they're prettier than me, because I honestly believe that they are. They're skinnier, they have better hair, and they don't have big noses and chins. I wish I was all those things, but I'm not and I've come to terms with that. So please stop telling me, as if I'm blissfully unaware of my shortcomings. I'm ok with the idea that I may have to rely on my personality more than girls that are naturally beautiful. I don't feel sorry for myself about it anymore. I don't need, nor do I want, anyone giving me their opinions on my looks. Whether they be negative or positive, all it will do is put me back in that place. That place of self hatred that nearly consumed my life, and really, all I want to do is move past that.
While it probably seems that I'm on the edge here, I can honestly say that I'm ok. While I may think that my boyfriend's ex girlfriends are prettier than me, I know there's a reason he's with me instead of them. I know I'm a good person, a good girlfriend, and that I have something to offer. I have something that they didn't have, and apparently that's enough to make up for what I may be lacking in other areas. So to those of you that I'm talking about, the next time you want to call my boyfriend and set up a meeting, or stalk me at the mall all in an effort to let it be known how much prettier you are, know this... I already agree. So why waste your time? However, if you'd like to discuss who's a better girlfriend or who's just more enjoyable to be around, give me a call. I'm sure you won't have any problem finding my number.
I look back on myself during that time and think, "Hey, you were lazy and you didn't take care of yourself. You could have been doing a lot better! You shouldn't have been surprised that people gave you a hard time." I came to this realization new years eve of 2002. Two years after I had started to show signs of bulimia, six months after I had thought I was going to die due to the heart palpitations that the purging was causing. That last night, the night I thought I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I made a deal with God. I promised him that I was done. I would never purge again if I could just wake up the next morning and start another day. I didn't believe I was going to get that chance. My heart felt like it was going to bust out of my chest; I remember thinking "Maybe it would be better if I just went in my sleep instead of actually feeling the pain during the day. Maybe it would be easier on my family if they just found me in my bed the next morning instead of witnessing my heart attack in person." But that wasn't what I wanted. I woke up the next morning and I kept my promise; I haven't purged since.
Not that I didn't struggle with other eating issues. After I stopped purging I just completely gave up for a while. I decided losing weight was hopeless, I didn't know how and I had finally realized that it was better to be alive and fat than dead and chubby. I was incredibly depressed. I hadn't been attending school due to migraines that I believe were caused by my immense unhappiness. I felt I had no control over the course of my life and I had very little hope for my future. It took about eight months of almost complete social isolation for me to decide that I could do better. At the beginning of 2003 I decided to start doing things differently. I realized that I wasn't happy and I might as well try doing something different for a while and see if that helped. I decided to stop eating meat; I also decided that I was going to start eating healthier overall. By September I was 30 lbs lighter, which was enough for me to stat looking somewhat skinny. I went back to school and I started dating for the first time ever. Things seemed to be going ok on the outside, but on the inside there was still a problem.
I wasn't eating. The first 30 lbs were ok; I was eating healthily and regularly. But then the weight became a way to measure my happiness. Everyone was treating me so much better since I had lost the weight, and I knew that if I could just keep loosing that I would remain happy. Eventually some of my friends started to ask questions, but it wouldn't deter me. Soon I became involved in a new relationship, one that was characterized by extreme emotional and eventually physical abuse. I was told so many absurd things about myself during that relationship, when I look back now it's hard to comprehend how I could have fallen for it. Not only was I criticized about my weight (which ironically for the first time was actually much lower than it should have been), but also for my overall looks, my intellect, and my personality. Never before had I felt my intelligence or personality was a problem, but I was sure that my boyfriend loved me and only wanted to help me become a better person. From then on, I was made aware of ALL of my flaws.
After the end of that relationship, things started to improve for me. I graduated high school and started to understand that a lot of people in my life really didn't give a damn about me. As odd as it sounds, that was the best thing that ever happen to me. When I finally figured out that many people didn't have my best interests in mind I was able to start weeding out the crap that surrounded me. I lost almost all of my high school friends, and I didn't care. Just as they didn't care about me. These were the people that knew what happened in my past relationship, and when it was over chose to be friends with my ex. It was an incredible feeling when I realized that I was happier with no friends or boyfriend than I had been when I had it all. I had nothing, but I felt the best I ever had in my life.
Since then I've been doing pretty well. I've been eating regularly again and have gained weight. While I'm not skinny anymore, I'm not heavy like I used to be either. I've gained back the confidence I use to have in my intelligence and personality and am at least accepting of my weight and looks. I'm currently in the relationship that I've always wanted, with a boyfriend that respects me and never makes me feel bad about my weight, looks, personality, or even my occasionally smelly feet. So why then, after everything that I've been through, do other people's opinions about my looks and weight still bother me? The fact is, I'm always going to think that I'm too heavy, that my chins too prominent, that my nose is too big. Just as I've never thought of my self as pretty, I'll also never claim to be. I guess it's that fact that really confuses me; when I already think I'm not very pretty, why do people feel the need to go out of their way to let me know they agree? Why do these people care if I'm pretty or not?
Anyone who knows me understands I'm somewhat of an elitist. I see no reason why a person shouldn't have something of interest to discuss. If I meet someone who names their purse, I'm probably going to laugh about them with my boyfriend afterwards if not exchange glances during said meeting. But when it comes to looks, I thought it was pretty obvious that I really don't care. I also thought it was pretty clear that looks is an area I'm not personally confident about. If not, here you go. I'm insecure about my looks and what other people think of them. I would have no problem telling my boyfriend's ex girlfriends that they're prettier than me, because I honestly believe that they are. They're skinnier, they have better hair, and they don't have big noses and chins. I wish I was all those things, but I'm not and I've come to terms with that. So please stop telling me, as if I'm blissfully unaware of my shortcomings. I'm ok with the idea that I may have to rely on my personality more than girls that are naturally beautiful. I don't feel sorry for myself about it anymore. I don't need, nor do I want, anyone giving me their opinions on my looks. Whether they be negative or positive, all it will do is put me back in that place. That place of self hatred that nearly consumed my life, and really, all I want to do is move past that.
While it probably seems that I'm on the edge here, I can honestly say that I'm ok. While I may think that my boyfriend's ex girlfriends are prettier than me, I know there's a reason he's with me instead of them. I know I'm a good person, a good girlfriend, and that I have something to offer. I have something that they didn't have, and apparently that's enough to make up for what I may be lacking in other areas. So to those of you that I'm talking about, the next time you want to call my boyfriend and set up a meeting, or stalk me at the mall all in an effort to let it be known how much prettier you are, know this... I already agree. So why waste your time? However, if you'd like to discuss who's a better girlfriend or who's just more enjoyable to be around, give me a call. I'm sure you won't have any problem finding my number.
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