Early Christmas

E had the day off yesterday so we decided to celebrate our early Christmas. We're both somewhat shy and absolutely hate the whole Christmas tradition. You know, the one where everyone gathers around at Christmas and each family member takes turns opening their gifts while everyone else watches them... I especially hate coming up with something to say afterward, because without failure I either don't know who the present was from, or I'm not exactly sure what the gift is or why it was given to me. It's just too much pressure!

Anyway, in order to cut down on the amount of gifts we would have to open in front of our families, E and I decided to go ahead and exchange our gifts to each other. After much thought and advice from family members and friends, I decided to get E the Ipod Nano in black. Thankfully, he seems to love the gift. Right after opening it he started talking about going to Target to get the Nike running kit to go along with it. Hehe. I originally wanted to get that to go along with it, but we made each other promise that we would stick to a strict spending limit this year, and alas the purchase of the Nano didn't leave enough in my spending limit.

As for my gift, E got me a couple of things! First, he got me this cool battery charger/tire pump for my car. I've been having a lot of problems with my cars air valve lately. Every couple of monts it seems to be suddenly cracking and causing me to get a flat tire. E's been with me every time it's happened and has been able to take care of it, but I know he's been worried about me being by myself when it happens and not knowing what to do. So yeah, this thing will defintely come in handy, as long as he teaches me how to use it! He also got me a new digitial camera! It's one of those cute Nikon cameras (the one's in the Ashton Kutcher comercial), and it was much needed. My Sony met it's fate a while back after I managed to scrath the lense while carrying it in my purse. I'm not sure how this happened, but if anyone was able to pull off such a feat, it would be me.

In other news, tonight is The Office Christmas special! Some may not find this blog worthy, but I LOVE The Office, and the Christmas special is almost always my favorite episode every season. They didn't have one last year, so I'm hoping this years encompasses the the hilarity of two specials wrapped in one. I don't think E realizes it's on tonight, so I'm going to try to make it into a little Christmas event for him. I'm thinking hot cocoa, those white chocolate covered pretzels, and some type of appetizer. I just want to do something nice for him. He's feeling kind of down about the possibility of not being able to go home to Iowa this Christmas.

Fuck

Can people not keep their minds out of the gutter? Earlier today I told my dad I'd like money toward a camcorder for Christmas so E and I could make movies of our adventures together. As soon as I said that I knew I'd made a mistake...

Dad: I don't think I want you two making movies together!

Me: I didn't mean that type of movie Dad!

Soon after I texted E at work.

Me: I told my dad that we wanted money toward a camcorder for Christmas.

E: For what?

Me: To record stuff. Maybe our honeymoon or something.

E: I doubt our families will want to see that.

Me: *Sigh* You're just like my dad.

Seriously, who in their right mind tapes themselves having sex? And why would anyone who knows me think I might be interested in doing it? If I ever have to talk about something sex related with dad again I'm gong to kill myself. Just a tad too awkward for me.

Passion of a High Schooler

Sometimes I think back to my time in high school. I was so incredibly passionate back then. I was able to feel so much, and now it's like there's nothing there. I swear I could remember every single moment from the beginning of 2003 to the middle of 2005. I can't remember anything now. Back then there were amazing moments, and completely horrible ones. Now I just hope I can remember the moment E asked me to marry him. There were times back then when I honestly thought I might be swallowed by my emotions. It was almost as if I was manic. Sometimes the feelings were terrible, but at least they were present.

I hate so much that ex got to experience my passion. He didn't deserve to know that person, and now that I've found someone who does my passion is gone. I hate the fact that ex made me afraid to be myself. I was drained for a year and a half of everything wonderful that I had built up inside of me. I've gotten better since then, but I'm still not as happy as I was. I want to be able to give all of myself to E. Everyday that goes by I'm cheating him, as well as myself, out of just how amazing our life together could be. I need to do things differently.

Engagement

I haven't been writing very often... obviously. Since the last time I blabbed on here Obama was successfully elected to be our next president, E has pretty much decided that he's going to enlist in the air force, and oh yeah... I got engaged!

E proposed to me tonight after getting home from work, and I of course said yes! Just a couple hours beforehand we were texting back and forth about how important it was to both of us that we get married before he gets deployed (if he joins the air force), but I had no idea that he had actually just picked up my ring that day! When he got home I got up to give him a hug, and he got down on one knee in our living room and asked me to marry him! I felt like such a tard; here I was this whole time thinking he hadn't really devoted much thought to our future, when in reality he had been saving his money and waiting for my ring to get done being customized.

It was too late to call my parents by the time E proposed, so I went ahead and called my best friend and future maid of honor. She was ecstatic! My other friend that was there didn't seem that excited, but she just ended her engagement about a month ago, so I can kind of understand. Tomorrow morning I think I'll start with a phone call to my grandma and aunt in Rochester, then work my way to my mom, and eventually my dad. You know, in order of most likely to be happy for me to least...

I'll write more later. Right now I'm absolutely beat from a day of homework, the surprise of E's proposal, and of course our celebration of the proposal...

Homer Agrees with Me on Ohio...

Birth Control

I may need to switch to a new brand of birth control pill.

I started taking Kariva (a generic form of Mircette) at eighteen to help regulate my period. After starting I began getting my period every month, as opposed to once every couple months, and was fairly satisfied with the results.

The only negative thing I have noticed with Kariva is that although my period does come every month, my start date is almost always different from one cycle to the next. For example, I might get my period on the 22nd day one cycle and the next cycle it might start on the 24th. This wasn't really an issue the first two and a half years I was on the pill, since I wasn't sexually active. But now that I am, for my own mental sanity I'd appreciate a pill that could keep my start date regular.

Does anyone else have any experience with this issue, or have a pill that seems to work pretty well at regulating their start date? I'm very careful about taking my pill everyday at the same time, so that's not the issue. I really hope this issue can be resolved; each month I start my period late brings me a little bit closer to having a mental breakdown.

Adin Nia

I may have the only cat in the world that likes to be put in outfits.

Favorite Thing of the Week

I've decided to start something new on this blog. Every Friday (hopefully), I will be posting a favorite thing of the week. Not very specific, I know. But it's exactly what it sounds like. Every week I'll be talking about something that I have really liked or enjoyed that week. Not that anyone really cares, but this is my blog and I'll do what I want to with it!

This week:

The video for "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart



I've loved this song pretty much my whole life, ever since hearing it on the radio when I was five (kinda wrong huh?). I remember thinking it was kinda silly at the time, 'cause who in their right mind thought they had to be naked in order to have fun? I couldn't think of a single fun activity I could do naked. It only took me 2o years to understand what Jermaine was talking about... Just kidding, sort of.

As I'm sure you can guess, the song and video came out in the 80s, supposedly in response to the AIDS crisis. It became a top ten hit in the US in 1986 and has been covered by Clea and Lil' Chris, as well as having been sampled Mase and Gym Class Heroes.

Why do I love this video? Isn't it obvious? Timely dancing, embarrassing innuendos, amazing 80s fashion, and let's not forget Jermaine's overall sassy attitude. It's hard to watch the video and not cheer him when he turns down that evil temptress! One thing I've always wondered... At the end of the video when the woman pulls him off stage, do you think he finally gives it up? Or do you think they just drink some of that cherry wine he keeps going on about?

What Shall Be Done About Change?

People in their twenties are use to change. We’re graduating college, getting our first professional jobs, moving to new cities/states/countries, reevaluating our goals and beliefs, and dealing with whatever other changes we must endure in order to graduate from our previous childhood lives to the adult world. Although these changes are necessary, they can do serious damage to our preexisting relationships. What happens when the changes in our lives are not met with encouragement by those nearest and dearest to us?

I started thinking about this last night after a conversation with E, in which we discussed our plans to move to Lexington next May. While I’m not necessarily excited to be moving for the third time in a year and a half, I know it’s what we must do to help E realize his goals, just as he knew our last two moves were necessary to help me realize mine. As we talked of our plans I thought about how lucky I am to be in a relationship with someone who is growing at the same rate as me and can therefore understand and support me in my decisions, and vice versa. I also thought about how rare this can be for people our age, something I know about from experience.

As I’ve said before, I met E while I was in another relationship. The ex was nothing like E. He and I met right after I turned eighteen, and he had turned twenty-one. I was right on the edge of beginning my adult life and had no idea how much I was about to change. We were good for each other in the beginning. Then I started growing up and changing. Predictably, my ex seemed to stay the same. And of course, not only did he stay the same, but he wanted me to stay the same as well. Instead of taking opportunities to further my education and plans for a career, he wanted me to stay in our hometown, get married, and start having kids (at eighteen). He was afraid that if given the chance to find something new and better, I would.

And he was right. Sort of.

The more my ex fretted about loosing me, the more compelled I felt to get out there and see what he was talking about. What I found was E. Someone who was moving along the same life track as me. Someone going to school, who wanted a career, wanted a committed relationship, and wasn't afraid of change.

The lack of my ex's openness to change is ultimately what ruined our relationship. I also believe it is one of the biggest issues many twenty-something couples must face.

While we twenty-something are all officially adults and more than capable of having loving and supportive relationships, it's important to remember that our choice in partners during this time might be more crucial than ever. Yes, we're all changing. But that doesn't mean we're all changing at the same rate, or in the same way as our partners. Thus, to maintain our relationship we need to be sure that our partners will be encouraging of our growth, and that we in turn are in encouraging of theirs.

This can be scary. Personally, I often struggle with the fear that my boyfriend and I will grow apart as we continue to change. Will he meet someone at work that he has more in common with? Will I? Will we both still want the same things in a few years? I'm lucky enough to have met someone that seems to be growing at the same rate and in the same direction that I am. When we want different things we've been able to form a plan that works for both of us.

This doesn't happen for everyone or in every relationship.

And that's one of the things that sucks about being in your twenties. The people we click with one year, we may not click with the next. There are so many ways in which we can grow apart: they could move, we could change too much for their tastes, they may change too much for ours... This is true not only of our romantic relationships, but of our friendships as well.

So what should we do if we find ourselves in a cycle of relationships that seem to just grow apart? Refuse to engage in any further personal contact until we have reached our thirties and are (hopefully) more settled and secure in our lives/beliefs? While that may seem logical, it also sounds a bit lonely. I suppose for now I'll grasp to the fact that a majority of people still end up marrying during their twenties. That means something, right? The finer details involving divorce rates can be saved for another, less insecure time...

21 is not 16

I'm a "good girl", have been my whole life. I did everything I was supposed to from the time I was born through the entirety of my teen years. I took the right classes, got good grades, was responsible, didn't cause any problems for my parents. So now that I'm in my twenties and on my own I wish people would just...

Back the fuck off!

If I decide I want to go out with my friends, have sex with my boyfriend, or indulge in the occasional alcoholic beverage, that's my choice! I'm over 17 so I can legally go to a club, over 18 so it is legal for me to have sex with my boyfriend, and yes I am 21 so I can drink if I want to.

I guess 21 years of responsible behavior means nothing? Now that I'm 21 my sense of decency and common sense is going right out the window! Or is it that people think these concepts are just too difficult for me to manage? Because staying out of the driver's seat when I've been drinking and not getting pregnant is so difficult...

21 is not 16! I have managed to piece together a way to have fun without getting in trouble, a way to drink without driving, and believe it or not... a way to have sex without getting pregnant! Just because you don't agree with my choices doesn't mean they're wrong. And really, why do you think I need your opinion? I have my own parents, and I think they've already done a pretty good job without any of your help. Don't you think any extra energy you might have could be better spent dealing with your own drug addicted, sexually uneducated, dropout children?

But don't worry. I will graduate college, on time. And when I do I'll invite you to my graduation party where I'll make sure to have too much fun with my friends, go completely overboard with my drinking, and afterward have tons of socially irresponsible sex with my boyfriend. After all, I wouldn't want you feeling unjustified in your opinion of me or my behavior.

Camera 1, Camera 2

There are a few things I'd like to point out. Number one, the Wayne's World movies are awesome. You may notice that the last sentence ended with a period instead of a question mark. That's because I consider what I said to be a fact, indisputable, therefore a question mark would be inappropriate. Moving on... I was looking through my dvd portfolio last night and came upon the original Wayne's World. After pointing it out to E (the Wayne's World aficionado), he suggested we go to the movie place down the street to rent the second one so we could partake in a Wayne's World marathon. Obviously I took him up on the suggestion. How anyone my age could not like these movies is beyond me. I see them as a throwback to a simpler time. A time when Aerosmith were seen as gods (rightfully so), and nineties fashion ruled the world.

That brings me to my second topic, nineties fashion. Am I the only person that misses nineties fashion? I loved the ripped jeans/large flannel shirt look. Granted, I was fairly young during most of the nineties and everyone's jeans have holes in them when they're a kid no matter the decade (right?), but god damn it nineties fashion was great! As a child I always imagined myself as a teenager/young adult still wearing the ripped up dirty jeans of the era. If only it was more cool to wear dirty looking clothes today, maybe then I wouldn't have to spend so much money on laundry and I'd be able to afford to eat better.

Which brings me to my final point. Grilled cheese with green peppers on sour dough bread. It's become my favorite thing to eat for a number of reasons. Those being: it's cheap, it's easy, and it prevents E from making fun of me for only eating the cheese off pizzas or Morningstar Farms veggie burgers with BBQ sauce.

God Damn It!

Motherofgod! I drive a cobalt. Yes, a cobalt. Know why I drive a cobalt? Because like a lot of twenty-one year old full-time students, I'm broke and the Cobalt is reasonably affordable car for someone with a part-time job.

However, the Cobalt starts to become unaffordable to said college student when the rear driver's side tire valve keeps snapping and causing a flat tire! Especially when aforementioned broke college student is also hopeless when it comes to car maintenance. Argh! At least my capable boyfriend has been with me both times it's happened. If not for him I'd probably still be driving around on a flat.

Season 4

Being the loserish couple that we are, E and I woke up early this morning in order to go buy season 4 of The Office before he had to be at work. Besides the obvious reasons for liking this show, E and I have had many good memories involving this particular comedy. We watched the entire first season one lazy Thursday morning after mutually deciding to ditch school in an effort to spend the day together. Also, our first week in Cincinnati was spent doing nothing but sleeping and watching seasons 1-3.

Anyway, so we obviously watch The Office a lot and were more than ready for this new season to be out on dvd. After waking E up at 8:30 this morning and making him hop into the shower, we headed off to Wal-Mart in order to satiate our addiction. Luckily it had already been stocked (don't you hate it when it takes the store a couple of days to put out the merchandise after it's been officially released?) so we were able to get it and be on our way. Guess what we realized when we got home? The set comes with a script from "Dinner Party"! It also seems to have a lot more outtakes than the other seasons have, I suppose in an effort to make up for the lack of episodes caused by the writer's strike. The script and extras are nice and all, but couldn't they have just charged less...?

It's Labor Day!

The fireworks last night were AMAZING, way better than I expected! When I first heard that 500,000 people were expected to show up to our humble city to enjoy the festivities I was a bit skeptical. I mean, Cincinnati? Really? If E and I hadn't made the mistake of moving here, I'm pretty sure there's nothing that could get us visit the city on our own volition. But after watching the show I can see why people might make the journey up here. And let me tell you, they made the journey...

The city was absolutely packed! We thought about taking the TANK shuttle downtown so we wouldn't have to worry about parking (or the possibility that our catalytic converter would be riped off), but we just weren't ready to head out when the final shuttle leaving for downtown departed at 6. E was making Chinese and we were still debating about whether or not we even wanted to watch the fireworks on the Cincinnati side of the river. Everything ended up working out for the best though; we found out about Devou Park in Covington and decided to head out there around seven.

The ride to Covington was absolutely crazy; since we live on the east side we ended up having to hit pretty much all of the major roads in the city to get to the park. People were backed up all over the place, and like any other time there's traffic, people were being completely ridiculous. Some jacket in front of us on 471 decided to leave the rest of traffic by exiting on an ENTRANCE ramp... Do people not realize they're just going to cause more traffic for everyone else when they cause an accident? Oh well. At least E was driving because, although he was thoroughly confused by people's driving behavior, we did manage to get there in one piece. If I had been driving my anger probably would have gotten us killed. Luckily, I was not driving. Instead, I kept myself occupied trying to count just how many boats were on the river. A lot...

When we finally got to Devou Park we realized that we had picked the perfect place. We found parking almost right away and quickly noticed that the people around us were mostly families and probably wouldn't be causing too many problems. The view was amazing and the park was just pleasant all around. There was really only one negative aspect of the night, and it happened with E went to use the porta-potty... Now, I wasn't there, but the way he tells it, everyone in line was using the system where they try to get in and out as quickly as possible, so they weren't locking the door when they went in. So, when E went in he didn't lock the door thinking that everyone understood the system. Well, while he was taking care of things some dude opens the door. Luckily no one could see anything, but still. E said he was just going to let it go, but when he left the bathroom the guy who opened the door on him had the audacity to say something about him not locking the door. E looked around, saw that no one else had their doors locked and proceeded to ask the guy why he hadn't opened those doors. He said girls were using those... What I'd like to know is, why did this guy know who was in each of the facilities, and if he knew that the door he was opening had a guy in it, why would that make him want to open it? I don't know, but E was quite annoyed by the time he rejoined me at the blanket.

The fireworks started around 9pm. Like I said, they were spectacular! Unfortunately, my camera died right before the actual fireworks were about to start. The only pictures I ended up getting were a couple pictures of these "fireballs" they set off. Oh well, I still enjoyed everything. When the fireworks ended E and I were expecting that it would take us a few hours to get out of the park and back home, but were pleasantly surprised when we slipped right out of our parking spot and made it home in about twenty minutes! If we're still in Cincinnati next year at this time we're definitely going back to Devou Park for the fireworks. Best location ever! There's not much going on today. E had to work so I'm just sitting around trying to convince myself to do homework. I wish there were fireworks to look forward to everyday...

Improvements

There are some things changing around my apartment as of late. It all started when E decided he was going to go back to school to get his bachelors. He already has his associates in law enforcement, but after experiencing the Cincinnati hiring process he realized he's going to need more of an edge to get on at a major station. So... He applied to EKU in Kentucky and was accepted for this semester. Now, you're probably wondering how E can attend school in Kentucky when we live in Ohio. Originally, the plan was for E to finish the rest of his degree online (he only has two years left. Unfortunately, his program at EKU wasn't too agreeable with that plan. After going to meet with counselors to pick out his classes he was told that he couldn't complete the program unless he was on campus. E was of course, crushed. Fortunately, we worked a plan out with them where he could take his electives and the few law enforcement classes that are offered online during the next two semesters, then when our lease is up in May we'll move down to Richmond so he can finish his campus courses. Our plans for moving to Portland will be put off for a little bit longer, but it will be worth it in order for E to finish his bachelors.

So that was the first change, which went on to spark a bunch of other changes. Because E is going back to school, money is a little bit tighter around here. He's still working full time, but he can't take the kind of overtime that he was before school started. To save some money we've decided to start cooking more instead of going out to eat. Now, we've not done much cooking at all since we've moved in together. In fact, neither one of us have ever done much cooking. We're going to try to designate two cooking nights a week to make all of our dishes and then eat off of those for the rest of the week. A couple of the things we're going to attempt this week are: beef tempura, hunan chicken, and beef stroganoff. Actually, those are the dishes E's going to try. Too much meat for me! I'm going to look into some yummy vegetarian dishes.

Next change? The both of us are officially in workout mode. I'm about 10 lbs. over my ideal weight and I want to change that. I gained about 5lbs during my first year of college, which really wasn't that big of an issue to me. But then I've gained another 5 since we've moved to Cincinnati! E is also wanting to loose some weight, but is mostly concerned about getting in shape so he can do well at his police physicals after graduating. Right now I'm walking everyday and E's lifting. As son as it cools down a little (it's still freakin' hot here!) we're going to start running together. I'm so nervous about running with my boyfriend. I haven't run much at all since highschool, and I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself. I don't want to slow E down. Maybe I'll have to start running on my own in the morning so I'll be ready to run together when it cools down.

Ok, well that's most of what's been going on lately. Right now I'm watching Chicago on dvd and cuddling with Adin. E should be home from work around 9:30 and then we should have tomorrow off together. I'm SO excited for the WEBN fireworks tomorrow. People have been talking about them ever since we've moved out here, so I imagine they'll be amazing! I'm a bit worried about having to take the shuttle (what if we get left behind afterwards?), but I should get some great pictures out of it. Chicago is getting good so I better get going. I'll try to put up pictures of the fireworks tomorrow night!

Mental Health

The study/subject of psychology has always been very important in my family. Both of my parents graduated college with their BA in psychology, raised my brother and me on the principles of behaviorism, and eventually encouraged me to look into a career involving psychology. So, knowing that I value the mental health of others, is it really any surprise that I'm in need of some help myself?

Since I've started college I've suffered on and off from panic attacks. I know the cause of the problem, I've just unsure how to go about fixing it. Finally, after much prodding by my family, I've made an appointment to go talk about it with a counselor. Hopefully she and I can think up a way to get my panic under control and still get me through college in a timely fashion. I'm also hoping she'll have some ideas for me about getting into grad school and setting up a life plan for the next couple years of my life. That's a major concern for me right now, as I'm sure it is for anyone who's about to graduate college.

There is one thing that I don't need a counselors help figuring out... I want E to ask me to marry him! I know we don't have the money right now, but I'm SO ready for us to be married. Every morning I wake up and feel lucky to have him in my life, and just incredibly proud of our relationship. Is it terrible that I can't wait to seal the deal and make him mine forever? Haha.

Not So Excruciatingly Long

I go from a post about a long boring week, to a post about two of the least boring weeks I've had in quite a while.

E and I got back from Iowa last Thursday. The trip went pretty well overall. I spent the first night with E's family. This was one of the first times I've been around them, and the absolute first time I've ever spent the night at their place. I was a little nervous at first but everything was great, and I really do love his family (especially his mom's cooking!). While I started out in Iowa City, most of my trip was spent in my hometown with my family, trying to avoid my ex. Why is it that the people you want to avoid are always the first to know you're back in town? I also hung out with Heidi a few times, watched The Worst of American Idol seasons 1-4, talked about her boy troubles, and ate Pizza Hut (always a mistake). Towards the end of the trip I headed back up to Iowa City to have lunch and dinner with a few friends, and just spend a day or two in Iowa hanging out with E.

While last week was great, I'd say this week has actually been better. Once E and I got back to town we were lucky enough to have Friday off together. We spent the day doing pretty much nothing, and loving every minute of it! Then, my mom got into town Saturday, so Sunday afternoon I drove down to my grandma's (where my mom's staying)to send time with her and do a little swimming. Finally, today my mom came up here to help E bargain on a new car. Yes, we now drive matching cars... Ok, not exactly. Mine is a couple years older than his and red while his is a champagne color. But still, very shameful. What's next, matching sweaters?

Excruciatingly Long Week

Have you noticed the week before vacation seems to go on forever? That's exactly what's happening to me right now.

My sublease in Iowa ends this month, so I need to make sure the place is cleaned from top to bottom before management comes in to asses for damages. Although this task should only take a few hours, E and I have managed to turn it into a week long vacation. We are officially the king and queen of senseless justifications! Senselessness aside, our main purpose for extending our stay was to spend some much needed time with our friends and families. I've been pretty homesick lately and I think E is missing his friends more than he cares to admit. I knew it was time to get him home when he actually expressed concern over one of his friends Facebook entries. Really? This coming from the man who hasn't called his best friend once since we've been dating, because it would seem like he "cared too much"? Guys are weird...

Exact plans for Iowa? I have a vague list of things I hope to do: attend my brother's 19th birthday party, hangout with my family, celebrate my best friends 22nd birthday, meet E's half sister, spend time with my friend Lydia, and just relax. I'm really excited to spend time with E's family, especially since it will be his dad's side. I've only met his dad once, but he seems great. I can actually see myself marrying into E's family, something I couldn't say about any of my previous boyfriend's families.

Besides being the week before vacation, this week is long for another reason. I refer to it as the monthly Week of Deprivation. Honestly, I waited twenty years to have sex. I think that was long enough! Why should I also have to abstain from sex 25% of the month, every month? Ugh! It doesn't help that E seems to look especially good during the third week of every month.

Perfection

Two of my all time favorite things...

Sunday mornings with E and Adin


And the inspiration for this blog


Combine to create the perfect day.

Past and Current Guilt

I've always thought of myself as a fairly trustworthy girl. I'm the girl that would tell her teacher that she lost her homework on the bus and actually be believed; I'm the girl that never lied to my parents about where I was going. I'm also the girl that has been trusted by all of her boyfriends, deservedly or not.

Not a lot of people know this, but I met E while I was in another relationship. From the instant I met him I realized there was something pulling us together. Every time we came in contact I could almost feel the electricity pulsing between us. More than anything I wanted him to kiss me, to tell me he felt as desperately for me as I did for him. However, I couldn't allow this to happen. As I said, I was still in another relationship. A year and a half relationship with a man who was very kind to me, cared for me greatly, and that I respected a lot. There was absolutely nothing bad I could say about the relationship, except I wasn't with E.

Although I felt a connection to E the first time I met him, it took me seven months to come to terms with it. I felt like a terrible person. There I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to marry me, start a family with me, yet all I could think about was this man I barely knew. Thinking about what I wanted to do with him, what we would talk about, how we would feel together. I realized early on that I wouldn't be able to resist sexual advances E might make toward me, and that I'd have to be diligent in my efforts to avoid him in order to remain faithful. And I was, to a certain extent. For seven months I spent my work hours listening for the sounds of E's keys, being the furthest associate from the phone, and refusing to be involved with the loss prevention office (where E worked). I did everything I could to avoid any sort of physical connection with E. Unfortunatley, that didn't prevent me from connecting with him in other ways...

Though I made every attempt to prevent any physical cheating, I had a harder time shutting myself off emotionally. When E was able to track me down we always had the most amazing conversations. Not because they were about anything important or intellectual, it was the simple fact that he got me. He was able to keep up with my weird, quirky, occasionally inane conversations, a feat very few people were interested in taking on. Conversations with E were what I imagined sex would be like. Two people that really got each other, and knew how to push each other's buttons just right...

It eventually became too much. Around the six month mark I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts off of E. I started feeling the need to talk about him with my friends, and my relationship with my then boyfriend started to become harder to justify. I had never had the connection with him that I felt with E, but it was never a problem until I realized what I'd been missing. I knew it was unfair. My boyfriend could obviously tell that I had feelings for E, though I'd never admit it, and I could tell I was making him feel like a second choice. We began arguing more frequently about stupid things. Finally we broke up. It happened during a fight regarding our living situation; we were arguing about whether it was ok for him to move out of our apartment. All I could think about was how hard our relationship had become, and how easy it was to talk to E. I guess I just snapped. I told my boyfriend I was done, that we'd be better off without each other.

E and I started dating about three weeks after I ended that two year relationship. Though everything has been good since then, I wish I could change one thing... I wish the beginning of our relationship wasn't marred by what has ultimately become the most shameful period of my life. The seven months period where I was dating one man, but desperately in love with another. The seven months where I had to constantly remind myself that it wasn't ok to be physical with the man I loved, because he wasn't the man that I was dating. Really, I just want those memories to go away. I just want to be able to believe people when they tell me how nice, considerate, and trustworthy I am. Most of all, I want to believe myself when I say what happened to me and my ex could never happen to me and E.

The Important Ones

I always need a visual to really get what people are talking about, so here you go...

This is a picture of my boyfriend E and me at Halloween this past year. He apparently had no idea how into the holiday I get and was planning to attend my friends party wearing his everyday clothes. When he saw me in my full on Columbia from Rocky Horror getup he succumbed to pressure and went as a 30's mobster.

The boyfriend and I met at work about two years ago. I was dating someone else at the time, but it was obvious to me that he was meant to be in my life somehow. After my previous relationship ended the two of us started dating and have been together ever since. He's even moved with me, twice, in the past six months. With all the craziness that has surrounded us during our short relationship I wouldn't have thought we would still be going strong; I truly believe that this is my one great love.

This is my cat Adin Nia, Adin for short. She's been with me since I first moved out on my own about two years ago. When my mom first came to the realization that I was really going to be moving she went with me to the animal shelter and we adopted both Adin and her twin sister Mystic.

Adin's been a great companion for me. She's crabby and mean, which is exactly the type of cat I love. But she's also a cuddler and always protects me from people. When the boyfriend first started staying the night at my apartment Adin would always dip her cloth balls into her water dish and conveniently misplace them in his boots. Since he and I have moved in together Adin has taken to placing one of the wet balls on his side of the bed whenever he and I have an argument, just so he knows who he's dealing with...

My family at my younger brother's graduation last May. My family and I are pretty close, even after my move away from my home state six months ago. We talk on the phone pretty often, and since my mom has family out here my parents come to visit a lot. I'll be going home to see them here at the end of July...

And finally... A picture of me and my two oldest

friends. I've known Heidi, the one in the middle, since we were in preschool and she has been my bestfriend since we were in first.


Brit, the one on the left became friends with Heidi in kindergarten, and when I became friends with Heidi in first I also gained another friend. We've all been friends the entire time growing up, and even though I've moved away from home I still keep in touch with Heidi regularly. She's living in our home town and is able to keep me up to date with Brit who has just had her first daughter. I wish I could be around to see them more, but I'll take what I can get for the time being.

So those are the people that I talk about most often. Just thought it would be good to put faces with names.

My New York Salute to Those Who Deserve It

I've always been somewhat insecure. Insecure about my weight, my overall looks, and about other people's ability to look past all the flaws that I see in myself. It's never been something that has completely stopped me from living my life like it has for some girls, but it's definitely played a part in some of the more negative aspects of my past.

From the time I was very little, five maybe(?), until I was sixteen, I was quite heavy. Not obese, but certainly bigger than most other girls my age. My family would always tell me how pretty I was, but there would always be the add-on of "you're just a big girl". I know they meant no harm in their statements, but it was those words which made it easy to accept anything negative that would be said about me in the future. When I got older and started interacting with other kids my age my self esteem really took a plunge. I wasn't the most socially adaptive individual to begin with and my weight just seemed to add to the problem. People would give me a hard time; boys made it clear they found me unattractive. I never made a big deal out of it to anyone else, but the comments of other's had an extremely negative impact on the way I viewed myself. While I knew I was somewhat intelligent and had no problem making friends, I was never able to convince myself that those qualities were enough. And to be honest, I still don't think they were.

I look back on myself during that time and think, "Hey, you were lazy and you didn't take care of yourself. You could have been doing a lot better! You shouldn't have been surprised that people gave you a hard time." I came to this realization new years eve of 2002. Two years after I had started to show signs of bulimia, six months after I had thought I was going to die due to the heart palpitations that the purging was causing. That last night, the night I thought I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I made a deal with God. I promised him that I was done. I would never purge again if I could just wake up the next morning and start another day. I didn't believe I was going to get that chance. My heart felt like it was going to bust out of my chest; I remember thinking "Maybe it would be better if I just went in my sleep instead of actually feeling the pain during the day. Maybe it would be easier on my family if they just found me in my bed the next morning instead of witnessing my heart attack in person." But that wasn't what I wanted. I woke up the next morning and I kept my promise; I haven't purged since.

Not that I didn't struggle with other eating issues. After I stopped purging I just completely gave up for a while. I decided losing weight was hopeless, I didn't know how and I had finally realized that it was better to be alive and fat than dead and chubby. I was incredibly depressed. I hadn't been attending school due to migraines that I believe were caused by my immense unhappiness. I felt I had no control over the course of my life and I had very little hope for my future. It took about eight months of almost complete social isolation for me to decide that I could do better. At the beginning of 2003 I decided to start doing things differently. I realized that I wasn't happy and I might as well try doing something different for a while and see if that helped. I decided to stop eating meat; I also decided that I was going to start eating healthier overall. By September I was 30 lbs lighter, which was enough for me to stat looking somewhat skinny. I went back to school and I started dating for the first time ever. Things seemed to be going ok on the outside, but on the inside there was still a problem.

I wasn't eating. The first 30 lbs were ok; I was eating healthily and regularly. But then the weight became a way to measure my happiness. Everyone was treating me so much better since I had lost the weight, and I knew that if I could just keep loosing that I would remain happy. Eventually some of my friends started to ask questions, but it wouldn't deter me. Soon I became involved in a new relationship, one that was characterized by extreme emotional and eventually physical abuse. I was told so many absurd things about myself during that relationship, when I look back now it's hard to comprehend how I could have fallen for it. Not only was I criticized about my weight (which ironically for the first time was actually much lower than it should have been), but also for my overall looks, my intellect, and my personality. Never before had I felt my intelligence or personality was a problem, but I was sure that my boyfriend loved me and only wanted to help me become a better person. From then on, I was made aware of ALL of my flaws.

After the end of that relationship, things started to improve for me. I graduated high school and started to understand that a lot of people in my life really didn't give a damn about me. As odd as it sounds, that was the best thing that ever happen to me. When I finally figured out that many people didn't have my best interests in mind I was able to start weeding out the crap that surrounded me. I lost almost all of my high school friends, and I didn't care. Just as they didn't care about me. These were the people that knew what happened in my past relationship, and when it was over chose to be friends with my ex. It was an incredible feeling when I realized that I was happier with no friends or boyfriend than I had been when I had it all. I had nothing, but I felt the best I ever had in my life.

Since then I've been doing pretty well. I've been eating regularly again and have gained weight. While I'm not skinny anymore, I'm not heavy like I used to be either. I've gained back the confidence I use to have in my intelligence and personality and am at least accepting of my weight and looks. I'm currently in the relationship that I've always wanted, with a boyfriend that respects me and never makes me feel bad about my weight, looks, personality, or even my occasionally smelly feet. So why then, after everything that I've been through, do other people's opinions about my looks and weight still bother me? The fact is, I'm always going to think that I'm too heavy, that my chins too prominent, that my nose is too big. Just as I've never thought of my self as pretty, I'll also never claim to be. I guess it's that fact that really confuses me; when I already think I'm not very pretty, why do people feel the need to go out of their way to let me know they agree? Why do these people care if I'm pretty or not?

Anyone who knows me understands I'm somewhat of an elitist. I see no reason why a person shouldn't have something of interest to discuss. If I meet someone who names their purse, I'm probably going to laugh about them with my boyfriend afterwards if not exchange glances during said meeting. But when it comes to looks, I thought it was pretty obvious that I really don't care. I also thought it was pretty clear that looks is an area I'm not personally confident about. If not, here you go. I'm insecure about my looks and what other people think of them. I would have no problem telling my boyfriend's ex girlfriends that they're prettier than me, because I honestly believe that they are. They're skinnier, they have better hair, and they don't have big noses and chins. I wish I was all those things, but I'm not and I've come to terms with that. So please stop telling me, as if I'm blissfully unaware of my shortcomings. I'm ok with the idea that I may have to rely on my personality more than girls that are naturally beautiful. I don't feel sorry for myself about it anymore. I don't need, nor do I want, anyone giving me their opinions on my looks. Whether they be negative or positive, all it will do is put me back in that place. That place of self hatred that nearly consumed my life, and really, all I want to do is move past that.

While it probably seems that I'm on the edge here, I can honestly say that I'm ok. While I may think that my boyfriend's ex girlfriends are prettier than me, I know there's a reason he's with me instead of them. I know I'm a good person, a good girlfriend, and that I have something to offer. I have something that they didn't have, and apparently that's enough to make up for what I may be lacking in other areas. So to those of you that I'm talking about, the next time you want to call my boyfriend and set up a meeting, or stalk me at the mall all in an effort to let it be known how much prettier you are, know this... I already agree. So why waste your time? However, if you'd like to discuss who's a better girlfriend or who's just more enjoyable to be around, give me a call. I'm sure you won't have any problem finding my number.